Basil Gorgeous

Basil Gorgeous was a Geek-Burgburger bodybuilder and occultist known as the "muse of modern bodybuilding". While he is most well-known for being a connoisseur of bodybuilding, having written a dozen books on the subject matter, Gorgeous was supposedly responsible for inspiring Slan Slamdow to take up bodybuilding. Followers of Gorgeous also purport Gorgeous was able to not only lucid dream, but also astrally project himself in those dreams to travel back in time. He used this method to appear before Slan Slamdow and inspire the father of modern bodybuilding to follow his destined path.

Early Life

Basil Gorgeous was born on the vestiges of Hella Hellas while it was being attacked by a large dodongo. He left Hella Hellas for Burgburg, both fearful of dodongos and hoping to muscle up in hopes of crushing the dodongos someday. He was largely unaware of their weakness to bombs. When he found out, he merely stated, "If I cannot defeat a dodongo with my bare hands, then I am but to explode like a bomb. What is violence when it hurts itself, when it is yet a burst of destruction, rather than guided discipline of The Most Beautiful? I do not need a bomb. Bombs are not beautiful. They are man-made tools, made from a putrid discipline."

He founded the GOG, "Gruff Over God", Brigade in his high school years, both to find aliens, time travelers, and espers, and to develop romantic relationships with nymphomaniac colleagues that resembled moe lumps. While his efforts were largely successful, he failed to realize them himself because he suffered from a mild case of idiocy. This has been a reason why Gorgeous has not won much success in popular culture. In high school, Gorgeous was incredibly eccentric and anti-social, with no interest in "sweat hogs."

Muscling Up

While the Burgburgisms of high school clubs plagued Gorgeous's adolescence, Gorgeous would soon realize the power of his heritage. One day he stumbled across a video of Ruggär. Completely outraged at the vile, demeaning manner that Ruggär Llämsä decried a herald of Geek culture. Gorgeous decided he would take the first flight to Finland to beat Ruggär to death. Gorgeous, not sure how to acquire funds, wandered across all the streets of the city before stumbling upon a muscle worship ritual. As men and women piled on a muscled man with their oiled bodies, he noticed they were also stuffing the bodybuilder's pockets. The leathery breeches were lined with gold. Basil Gorgeous decided to pump up at the gym and impress people so much that they'd give him twice as much as the muscled man.

However, it was largely a futile cause in the beginning. Just about to lose hope, Gorgeous saw Conan playing on the gym's television screens. Miraculously inspired, Basil started pumping iron at a inhuman pace. So intense were his workout routines that the equipment he used also started to buff up. It was an ongoing battle and at the end of it, his exercise equipment had hardened, gaining ten times their density. But Gorgeous was not satisfied.

Gorgeous went on a large number of expeditions to find the best place to pump iron; it is not certain why he did not exact revenge on Ruggär. Gorgeous found the perfect place in the Mountain of Power Procession. Even then, he was anything but satisfied. Obsessed with his own regimens and routines, Gorgeous disobeyed the trainers. When the trainers outlined the techniques the Slam Gods taught, he countered them with numerous inconsistencies within the Book of Slam. He was finally expelled from the Mountain for misbehavior. According to interviews, Gorgeous was hopeless in succeeding in any of the exercises. The Caldera Springs even gave him poisoning.

University Years

Distraught with bodybuilding, Gorgeous decided to take up other forms of art such as poetry and free jazz. He was accepted in the Flat University of Architecture and Physical Education, majoring in Fighting and Dodging. He was very active in writing and published many copies of his works, only for them to go unnoticed. Deciding to be as rebellious as ever, Gorgeous wrote a stunning piece of erotica about the Slam Gods. The blasphemous text paired Pumpatron and Ramrod in a series of meta-polysexual positions including the Quatro-Schlonging and the fabled Beeba-Boopa Dongaroo. This attracted the attention of many gungers, people who practice idolatry and are responsible for the world's apocrypha, and fantasizing otaku, people whose interests lie outside of bodybuilding, and he had a very vigorous sexual life (no real evidence for this exists outside of his autobiography, Grind Them Gungers XXX). He often role-played as Pumpatron, trying to mimic the Slam God's marvelous fighting moves in perverted ways. Gorgeous also spent him time in wrestling matches. On the sidelines, he would pump out innuendos in the most eloquent vocabulary. He wanted to confuse them and blur the lines between violence and sex, calling them both the extremes of perverse physicality and unadulterated "Slam Goddiness."

This mockery of the Slam Gods ironically increased his interest in them. He became invested in their stories, once writing a thousand page thesis on the McDoogle battle, gauging the power levels of each door. "Each door was incredibly compact yet built like a bull. The efficiency of the brothers is an unfortunate glamour that should be researched," he often said to door-makers. Finally, in the December of 1989, Gorgeous was pumping a gamer gunger (like iron) when the gunger was suddenly possessed. "She grew into this vicious witch just like in Conan. Fangs, nails, and bad hair too." This immanent deity called itself the Drummer. The Drummer applauded Gorgeous's efforts to undermine the Slam Gods and bestowed upon him the gift of Demon Summoning. However, he did not tell Gorgeous the method from which to conjure demons. Gorgeous called the experience both bewildering and the equivalent to nirvana.

The Gorgeous Era

Gorgeous began to study all sorts of occultism and mysticism to great success. In just five years, he was able to summon a hundred different demons. He sketched them all out in a book and published it, The Bonner Guide to Immanent Bonners. In it, he detailed the phallus of every demon he had conjured. At the end, he stated how he wished he was a demon based on his observations and made a list of their pluses and their very few minuses. He garnered the interest of Brotherhood of Adults. K'sobek mentioned that the book was a riveting piece of literature. He praised its graphical depictions of the demon phallus and very scientific analyses, calling its diction as verbose and educated as his own.

K'sobek was quick to invite him to a meeting in Mordor, where Gorgeous was granted the title of "Warg" for his body hair and natural glowing red eyes, as well as "Sexton the Big Don." The Brotherhood gifted him an accommodation of incredible, superfluous neo-Gothic architecture. It had hundred mile paintings for its windows, and consisted of large corridors and strange puzzle rooms. The whole place was decorated by a variety of Gothic and gnarly trinkets. It was to such an extent that the toilet's bowl was actually a rose window. Gorgeous later said, "I appreciate the Brotherhood for what they've done for me, but it was simply the worst toilet my bum has ever clasped."

K'sobek suddenly left to deal with some private matters. It is said that this was around the same time K'sobek hassled Gabriel Goblin into such grief that Gabriel turned into a goblin. Meanwhile, Gorgeous went to Akihabara on order of the Brotherhood, and subsequently fell completely in love with Taiyou no culture. So great was his love that he began to dress in kimonos and created his own pidgin incorporating English and mistranslated Taiyou no loanwords.

While Gorgeous was touring Land of Taiyou, Gabriel Goblin massacred all of the Brotherhood as a goblin. Gorgeous was hit with a scarring grief, but shrugged it off after he received a copy of a Lucky Star DVD in the mail. Gorgeous decided to expand his knowledge. He started supporting himself by publishing both books on poetry and bodybuilding. Only the bodybuilding books gained any sort of profit; one in particular, Pumping Chicks is still used in many bodybuilding-agricultural circles. Traveling around the world with the Lucky Star DVD, Gorgeous began to experience visions in Certain Country. Gorgeous trapped himself in his hotel room and ate only a diet of ramen. He hoped to instigate further visions with the spiritual food of Land of Taiyou and soon began hearing the voice of the Drummer.

The Drummer began speaking to Gorgeous, telling him that mankind was in an eon that needed justification to exist. This was because the time-space fabric had not properly been written. There was no past event that could lead up to the world's current fascination with bodybuilding and Gorgeous needed to rectify that. As a supreme moral law, it declared, "Drum what thou wilt shall be the whole of the body", and that people should learn to live in tune with their "True Bingle." Dumbfounded, Gorgeous nevertheless wrote everything the Drummer's disembodied voice said and published it as the Book of Religious Disembowelment.

The book was a New York Times Bestseller and Gorgeous gained a niche following of drunkards.

In an isolated event, Gorgeous finally arrived in Finland, but could only manage to steal the hose of Finnish local, Peklo Putkimies. In defense of Gorgeous, his adherents bring up evidence that Putkimies and Ruggär were twins. They concluded that Ruggär, fearful of Gorgeous, decided to swap identities with Putkimies. Gorgeous sensed this, but upon seeing Ruggär as Putkimies felt a feeling of forgiveness and lowered Ruggär's punishment to hose theft.

Link to the Past

Only figuring out that the Drummer wanted Gorgeous to travel back in time, Gorgeous scoured Wikipedia for clues on the past and time traveling. He discovered Slan Slamdow. Realizing that Slamdow was the father of modern bodybuilding, Gorgeous found a flaw in the Drummer's statements. Gorgeous realized then that it was he who needed to inspire Slamdow. He began to conjure a number of demons for advice on time-travel. Finally, a tonttu named Bobby told Gorgeous to "maybe lucid dream like those hippies or something and bugger off."

Gorgeous spent ten years lucid dreaming and, on December 25, 1999, gave up forever. He retreated to the highest rock in all of Finland, Giga Mega Pillar, and constructed a shack to reside in exile. A week later, Gorgeous accidentally kicked down the only ladder leading down the rock. Eventually, he died of starvation. Upon his corpse's discovery, it was also discovered that Basil hardly had enough supplies to complete the shack; the only thing standing was a couch and single wall. Ignoring the colossal failures, Gorgeous' admirers say his soul went back in time, inspired Slamdow, and was unable to travel back. Gorgeous' body was buried in a black mass.

He never got over his fear of dodongos.