Crushed My Heart Like an Apple

Crushed My Heart Like an Apple is a memoir written by the Successor about the Cult of Diplo crushing his heart, much like how Successor once crushed an apple on live television. Critics continuously point out that the allegory is incomplete, as an important component of Successor's live apple-crushing was the several trillion "woo"s that echoed around the G-Urth as people witnessed the event on the television.

Crushed My Heart Like an Apple's page count has never been fully documented, but estimates range from 3,000,000,000,000 to Innumerable pages. Because of the relatively high page count, the memoir's print run was low, totaling about《UNKNOWN NUMBER》books. The Successor personally owns a thousand raised to the eight power copies in his bedroom, and has his servants read each one aloud. To lower costs and time taken, Successor has personally transplanted several hundred vocal cords into each servant. Critics has lambasted this as decadent, and have called for Successor to utilize these people in assisting the ongoing pursuit of the criminal G9999.

The Successor is planning a sequel to Crushed My Heart Like an Apple, named Played My Thorax Like the Artist Previously Known as Prince. In several press conferences, Successor has mentioned that the book will only be available as an audiobook that takes several lifetimes to listen to. Successor is also excited for the background track that accompanies the narration, which is of Successor jamming on the guitar for ∞.

Partial List of Chapters

  1. Forming the Glam Band
  2. Chat Tavern, or a Thought Experiment on Chapel Depopulation
  3. Diplo Lurks in the Shadows
  4. Diplo Hanging from the Ceiling
  5. I Bet that was Peklo in my Peripheral Vision
  6. Why Doesn't Anyone Like My Muscles
  7. Destroy Everything