Elves are one of the four main races featured within God Hand.

Elves are a group of humans who live in the forests of Finland. They are amazingly embarrassed because of their heritage. According to their folklore, their mythical progenitor was a haughty man, Beeno Eno, who believed himself to be the most beautiful in the world (similar to Nightmare but NOT). When someone insulted his massive forehead, he receded into the forest to escape the persecution of being called "just okay-looking." It is unknown how he was able to reproduce, but, a few hundred years later, a group of humans were discovered in the forest, each of whom had five-feet-long foreheads, long hair, and distinct pairs of Satan-like ears. All elves inherit receding hairlines.

The main trait of elves is non-physical, though. They are most well-known for playing synthesizers with satin gloves on. For this reason, a fair amount of elves are regularly recruited into glam rock bands all across Finland. Elves nowadays ornament themselves in a variety of high fashion such as leopard-print shirts, leather pants, and diamond-studded headbands.

When they were discovered, Elves fabricated legends to appear more ancient because they did not want to be associated with their narcissistic ancestor, but the ruse was uncovered when a group of archaeologists discovered his tomb, a gigantic head of similar proportions to Howl Head with Beeno Eno's exact features. The elves had been considering bulldozing it, but had always put it off until it was too late. It is now considered a WHAMESCO World Heritage Site, much to the dismay of the elves.

The discovery of their real history was obscured by their excellent magic, which was salvaged from the ruins of the ancient civilization ruins that coincidentally rested at the same forest. The elves redecorated the ruins and made them their home, but were never able to fully harness the power of the ancient ruins, such as its plumbing system and strange storage devices known as "fridges." Nevertheless, they managed to put up an illusion of being knowledgeable as no one else knew what anything was either. The ancient civilization is rumored to have been inhabited by a group of Apocryphal Slam Gods, before they abandoned it for unknown reasons. Elves believe they were driven out by the extreme annoying of Beeno Eno. At the center of the forest is a great statue of one of the Slam Gods, and it is said to house the last remaining spirit of the aboriginal Slam God population. It routinely insults the elves under its breath. On nights with a full moon, it can be seen flexing. The elves dubbed him Big Dubba.

As for the actual repertoire of spells that elves know, these include inducing a hunger of sweets, increasing the sensitivity of the bladder, and the combustion of small forest creatures from a considerable distance (4 feet). These incantations were used to lure non-elves away from settlements when suspicions that the elves had no idea what they were doing were raised.

At first, elves were believed to have a mutually unintelligible language with Finnish peoples, but it was discovered that they merely replaced some phonemes with discrete synthesizer sounds. They hide synthesizers in their throats to appear mysterious and emit extremely brassy farting sounds as practical jokes.

Some elves are considered more intelligent than other humans. Tests were conducted, and it was discovered to be utter bullshit. Elves never admitted otherwise, because they enjoyed the false prejudice. Elves do, however, live longer than most humans. This is probably because they try to not fight each other for every second, on account of their small population. Scientists believe that elves may actually be more numerous than they let on. Sightings of balding, stocky elves have been seen across the forest, and it is believed that the elves hide their aging, balding population in various underground tunnels beneath the forest ruins. This group of elves is now called the Dark Elves by cytologists, because they live in the dark.

Some Dark Elves have escaped from the forest and are now music producers for atrocious pop and electronic music groups.