Flat Khan J.

Flat Khan J. was a peculiar architect and physical educator who worked at The Chapel for a brief period of time.


Flat Khan J. was born to two farmers as Jaisé Gölöncsér in an unknown land east of Finland. Unknown to his family was the proud but warmongering heritage of the Drummer Clan who beat their terrible drums across Eurump over twenty-five centuries before the Fall of the Chapel. Not only did they have an insatiable blood-lust that took thousands of lives, but they so craved warfare that they learned a secret style of drumming, rumored to be the long-forgotten style of Flatshanquan, that was so thunderous and loud that they could shape the landscapes. In shaping the landscapes of their battles, they would have a streak of bloody victories. And because they were already high nomadic and skilled in equestrianism, the Drummer Clan would often blast their drums in such beats that the surrounding land would be pulverized into a flat plain, perfect for their tactics.

Because of the lack of writing in the region, how the Drummer Clan was defeated is only given in unreliable oral history which dictates that a Slam God, frustrated at the ugliness of the flat plains because they did not at all resemble his precious and marvelous groin, himself thrust so hard onto the Clan's encampment that they lost all memories of their warring, as well as their sacred drumming art, all in one hour. The day after, it is said that the clansmen found each other and their remnant personality traits so despicable that there was a massive diaspora which ultimately tore all bonds between the clan.

Awakening of His Heritage

However, that seed for warmongering and flatness continued to resonate in their descendants' blood and Jaisé Gölöncsér was no exception. On the night of his 18th birthday, Jaisé Gölöncsér found his village ravaged by giant floating platforms. Some platforms even managed to crash into the village, creating enormous pits. Jaisé Gölöncsér was said to hurry to his home immediately with the most direct intent, ramming everything with his muscles. The Drummer Clan blood within awakened and he left a trail of flatness as he walked in one magnificent straight line. When he arrived at his home, it was divided by a colossal pit. A strong sense of fear swept over the young Jaisé Gölöncsér and he backed away. He could only shed tears as his family home was finally bombarded by another series of slamming platforms. It is not known what caused the platform-storm.

University Years

Struck with overwhelming grief, Jaisé Gölöncsér sought a career in architecture to build the "ho most strongest" architecture to match these dreadful platforms that took his family. Jaisé Gölöncsér studied at the Flat University of Architecture and Physical Education. He would also take up English and become infatuated with the word "Bonus," because, to him, it represented a second chance in life. He renamed himself Flat Khan J. Therein the Flat University of Architecture and Physical Education, he studied for many years and became a master of its tenets. Eventually, the university would be synonymous with Flat Khan J.'s name.

Life at The Chapel

Hearing of The Chapel's greatness from all around the world, Flat Khan J. thought to go there as his genius would surely be accepted in such a grand place. He believed that by going to The Chapel he could spread his ideas about creating a new flat and strong world, free of pits and platforms. He believed it would not only be a boon to the normal man, but also to the warrior, as shameful terrain advantages would be eliminated. They would be able to focus foremost on action, like a true warrior should.

A Grim Rejection

Flat Khan J. entered The Chapel and, as soon as he did, the scents of mystical and masculine beauty offended his senses. The Chapel was known for revering the Beaumont family and their companions for their great beauty and valour. Flat Khan J. could not agree with said reverence, as its aesthetic alliances were, to him, several hundred steps beyond Acceptably Gorgeous. He was terribly overtaken by the amount of beauty present at The Chapel.

Nevertheless, after a short while, Flat Khan J. took out blueprints of his designs for The Chapel's new training grounds that were to be added and put them up for the whole Chapel to see, expecting them to revere his grandiose (in his eyes) work. However, as soon as Thernz saw his works, he immediately rejected them, stating that they were too flat and did not have enough platforms, to which Flat Khan J. replied, "platform=borning. I try and put some action into this slow place." He also mocked The Chapel, as a whole, by telling Thernz and others that they should just stick to their Ho Most Handsome Halls instead of criticizing. Later, having convinced the Chapelpeople to make a sample training ground, he invited several of them, including The Successor, to test it out. Thernz repeated the same criticism as before. The Successor stated that these training grounds were impractical, impossible, and just plain not fun. Flat Khan J., enraged that his brilliant work, realized from decades of sweat and tears, was reduced to such a state so quickly, retorted by calling The Successor a "lazy ,fat kid with the glases with no reflex, ho level up before every boss in Metroidvania" (despite The Successor's prominent muscles and great history of warmongering).

Nightmare and Antique Table promptly argued with Flat Khan J. about his illogical statements (though the table decided to insult him instead), with Nightmare pointing out The Successor's muscles and fighting prowess. Yet Flat Khan J. retorted by saying that Nightmare was "for sure his lover - cocksucer - here is your place", and pointed to the Ho Most Handsome Halls. Flat Khan J., in a rage, challenged everyone to a slam. He first ran up to Thernz and hurled him three thousand kilometers, then went up to the Successor and barraged him with punches. The Successor did nothing, for the punches had no effect. Later, the Successor would admit he hadn't even noticed. Finally, Alis ended the whole fiasco, while taking a look at The Successor's sculpted body and giggling.

After The Chapel

Flat Khan J. did not show up at The Chapel again. A few years after, it was said that he had vanished completely from the world. One popular rumor told that he was faced with a mighty cliff and couldn't dare walk around or jump on it, as he was so humiliated by The Chapel that he became a slave to his own tenets. Thus, so the rumor went, he died of hunger. Such a story has never been proven true. It is unknown where Flat Khan J. ended up at; but if you listen to the wind closely, it speaks of grand mountains that were smashed into flat plains in the distance…


Due to his status at FUAPE, a statue made of pure titanium was erected in his honor on the plainest, most platform-less spot on campus. It is embellished by a plate reading:

To our hero, mentor, and friend
ho need not level up and ho put
some action into this place

Furthermore, many of his teachings were included in various faculties' curricula. The Design School, for instance, now has taken to teaching his most famous theorem, sometimes known as the Bonus Equation: platform = borning.

The history department is heavily discussing whether Flat Khan J's ancestors' reports of medieval times reflect reality, or are simply colored by personal world views in a way that could not be considered true. The debate revolves around whether in midleages people jumping over platforms. Supporters of this report often argue the opposition is in big mistake.