Flat University Of Architecture And Physical Education

During the Dark Ages there was born a man into a wealthy family on the outskirts of the European continent. Not much was known about his circumstances as the origins of his birth were obscured, though it was surmised by the surrounding townsfolk that he had been inbred, a bastard son, to the lord of the province, Kupo of Glumdungsbury. Lord Kupo was a cruel man who had the habit of throwing tricycles at people who displeased him and ardently insisted during solemn candlelight dinners on raving to his family and his staff about wild arms of the Orient. When news reached him that his mistress was pregnant with a son, he raved and foamed at the mouth and screeched with the power of a thousand banshees.

His first order concerning this son was that he was not to be wrapped in comfortable swaddling cloths but instead coarse sandpaper. The child's room was to be decorated with sandpaper wallpaper and all toys were to be either pieces of paper to draw on or badly folded origami. Naturally, as the child grew up in this one-dimensional environment, he became so obsessed with the idea that everything should be flat and religiously devoted himself to all that was not capable of having depth. The child's name was a peculiar one given as an afterthought by his father: Flattus Temugen Kupo.

The child came of age and was promptly sent off to Flat Boarding School, where he was taught the theory of flatitivity, flat gravity, and the universal truth that the world was not round, that three dimensions were a lie created by human vice and deception. Flattus also met with friends here who gave him the pet nickname "Flat Khan J.". They would later become his colleagues.


Flat Khan J.'s secondary education completed, he headed home, only to find that his father was in his death bed. Knowing the vast inheritance he was to gain with his father's demise, he grabbed a heavy stack of papers and pressed them upon his face until he crushed his face in and suffocated him. The family fortune secured, Flat and his friends soon founded a new university: Flat University of Architecture and Physical Education. Featuring a 1900 Km campus, the most unique feature of the building is that it is made of rice paper and has a flat roof. Being that there are almost always rain and wind storms, it requires an intensive amount of upkeep and repair every month.

Flat University teaches only of the glory of flatness. All soda on campus must be flat. Every utensil and commodity is made of paper. Any mention of three-dimensionality is regarded as heresy and students found to be in violation of this rule are crushed flat by a printing press bearing the motto of the school, "FLATNESS IS THE ONLY TRUTH OF THE UNIVERSE."

One of Flattus' bastard descendants would choose to become a farmer, who would sire Flat Khan J.