Gabriel Goblin

The raw and adlut world of Gabriel Goblin.

Gabriel Goblin was a small goblin living on the fringes of Labyrinthine Kingdom of Goblins, where a large mass of human nobles resided under the invitation of the Goblin King Jareth. He is famous for having his life recorded by Thernz, who aimed to capture the deep sadness of the goblin species. Ironically, Gabriel Goblin was once human.


It is uncertain where Gabriel Goblin was born, but it is said that he was the abandoned child of the Goblin King Jareth, tossed away because Jareth could not stand the raw adlutness in Gabriel's sullen infant eyes.

When questioned about the supposed heritage of Gabriel Goblin by an unnamed Chapel scholar, Jareth was said to look abnormally disturbed as if his own beauty was insulted. The Chapelman was subsequently tossed into a crowd of goblins while Jareth looked on in bitter rage, stating, "You remind me of the baby." Even now, many scholars debate what that exclamation meant.

Upbringing at Goblin Monastery

It is said that knights from Brotherhood of Adluts discovered a young infant off the banks of the Steaming River. They decided to bring and raise the youth at the nearby Goblin Monastery. Dozens of them died on the way, leaving cryptic letters. Upon seeing the rescued infant, the Abbot Cox was struck with profound grief and pity. The Abbot Cox, stirred by jealousy for the lavish idolatry of Iga, a man who came from the distant Continent of Dragon Kings and gained popularity by bringing fine young men under his tutelage and transforming them into the most beauties, decided that the infant would be transformed into the antithesis of Iga's "girly-men." It is not certain where Cox's hatred stemmed from. Some rumors commonplace at the time said that Cox was entranced by an Alucard because of how lush his platinum-blonde mane was, and got lost and almost died of starvation. Historians say that the story has no factual base to it. Some even say that Cox himself spread the rumors to stir the proletariat against Iga and his gorgeous squires.


An archive shot of Gabriel Goblin, incorporating the techniques he learned at Goblin Monastery.

At the monastery, Gabriel Goblin became trained in the high-level fighting art of Brutalswing, a style that incorporates the ability to look mature and epic at the cost of weakened strikes and the inability to make opponents flinch. It is said that Gabriel become very adept at Brutalswing, even though witness accounts described Gabriel's fighting as very clunky and confused. Scholars on the martial art say that this just meant Gabriel's interpretation of Brutalswing were highly conservative, incorporating even all of its flaws. Also of note is that Gabriel's intense and philosophical combination of climbing and grunting can be linked back to the Brotherhood's training of Gabriel at Goblin Monastery.

According to Brotherhood canon, grunting excessively allows the body to flush of "the Child" in one's soul, allowing a user to theoretically hold on to a wall for an infinite moment of time. It also encourages muscle growth, and is linked to the growing of the fabled "Perpetual Face-Shadow of Aragorn," still known in modern times for its appearance on Dokuta Haosu and other well-groomed celebrities. Human Gabriel was said to sport one of the best in the Brotherhood, and even the Abbot Cox praised Gabriel Goblin's "Face-Shadow" for getting the Brotherhood to rekindle their closeness to the local peasants after Iga's pretty boys caused large bouts and agitation by their erotic fluidity.

Gabriel was renowned for his extreme grunts to such an extent that even nearby villages banned his presence, fearing his guttural grunts would be too cacophonous and stunt the growth of their children. It was said that his vocal cords became a goblin on their own whenever he grunted.

The Beginning and Death of Friendships and Wives


Gabriel meeting his eternal companion, the spider.

Besides training at Goblin Monastery, Gabriel Goblin often went to the nearby town of Bree, one of the few settlements that tolerated his grunts, where he not only would meet his future wife, but also a giant spider. In the dead of night, Goblin crossed the forest between the monastery and the village, Pan's Forest, and came upon a spider near the great Dekuh Tree. It is said they initiated a fight that lasted three hours before they collapsed and coincidentally embraced. At the moment of contact, they could feel their flustering hearts, whose innocence and childish vigor was worn away by malice and strength. Gabriel was said to look at the spider's toenail-laden legs and began to massage them gently while whispering, "I understand you. We are both leaves in the wind." While he never named the spider, they became the best of companions, even when considering Gabriel's wife. So great was their friendship that, in Gabriel's later life, the spider became a hunting companion to hunt other spiders. It was also the only mount Gabriel never strangled.

However, the peace that surrounded Gabriel Goblin was not everlasting, as the land cursed spirits of the dead, denying them access to Heaven. Gabriel's wife grew suspicious of a Brotherhood member, K'sobek. K'sobek managed to sneak under Gabriel's bed and placed the fearsome Nimbonuggin Mask onto Gabriel's chiseled face. Using the Nimbonuggin Mask to control Gabriel, K'sobek had Gabriel's wife beheaded. Little did K'sobek know that this plot point was in the Slam Gods' plan to make Gabriel the greatest goblin in history. Gabriel's wife was aware of this divine plan, though as to how is unknown; also unknown is how Gabriel was unaware of K'sobek's existence, despite him being a founding member of the Brotherhood. When Gabriel found out about his wife's death, he was stricken by the largest Grim seen in decades. Gabriel's soul was too indebted to his Brotherhood training, and the Grim corrupted itself into a mere dose nihilism. Nevertheless, the nihilism cast a bleak shadow on Gabriel.

Transformation into a Goblin: The Sad Fate of Gabriel

Over many trials and tribulations, Gabriel Goblin was tricked into killing people he had just met. The intense guilt and grief he felt slowly gave rise to a rare phenomenon: the Goblinening. This condition is still so rarely documented that scientists cannot pinpoint its cause. All they know is that its origins stem from the most bitter and sorrowful of life stories. However, the Goblinening requires a very strong and pungent catalyst to transform a human into a goblin. Otherwise, the nearly goblinized heart merely mopes endlessly and causes a continuous feeling of constipation and weightlessness.

The catalyst for Gabriel happened shortly after he beat up Satan. Gabriel also beat up a giant, nearly goblinized demon known as the Forgotten One who was chronically constipated, and by absorbing mysterious Tendrils of Evil, Gabriel was transformed into a goblin. From that point on, he became a very grim-dark being. However, because of his broken heart, he never achieved more than a swath-aura of bemoaning.

Goblins in the Wind

Gabriel became a poor farmer who sold spider legs. While Thernz was still traveling to the Chapel from The Land of Dragons, he stumbled upon Gabriel's village. The pugnacity of Gabriel's soul attracted Thernz: having read all the horrible tales of goblins, he felt a shred of pity for Gabriel, and decided to chronicle his misadventures. Thernz met Gabriel selling spider legs and lavished him with guilinggao and other Chinese delicacies. When that did not work, Thernz called Gabriel a deep, foreboding character who would revitalize non-fiction. Gabriel and Thernz became great friends, and a series of short biographies arose. The most well-known story became published as Goblins in the Wind.

Goblins in the Wind entails Gabriel's romantic endeavors and his short-lived friendship with a nobleman. After Thernz published his collection of stories at the Chapel, Senile Snake lauded the piece of non-fiction as the most emotionally-stirring thing he had read and commissioned Thernz to write an epic poem on Gabriel's spider. The result of this became Behind Gabriel the Goblin: The Spider in All Our Hearts: Peklo's Worst Nightmare.

Gabriel did not comment on his popularity and continued to hunt and sell spider legs.