Goblin

This article was written by Basil Gorgeous.

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The goblin is a mischievous and illiterate creature, a member of the Gob genus and Homindae family. Goblins are found all across the world but are mostly concentrated in Eurump. Goblins are classified as a branch from modern humans and count as a separate species. They usually grow very small, sometimes only a few inches tall, sometimes the size of a dwarf. In some cases, goblins have been classified as constantly annoying little creatures somewhat related to the brownie and gnome. However, all three are distinct species. It is rumored that goblins possess an innate affinity with magic but it is often debated because concrete analysis shows that their cranial capacity is only a quarter of modern humans'. There are, however, a variety of goblins from the Finnish dickhiisi to the Tibetan snow-goblin.

Goblins evolved from a group of short and stocky neanderthals who were ousted by their taller and stronger kin who would later become the Scandinavians about 125,000 years ago. Sexual reproduction with the main human species was extremely discouraged by both goblin and human tradition so the ability to interbreed disappeared 50,000 years ago, with no further individuals having enough Power of Heart to be classified as modern humans. As goblins continued to evolve, they grew stockier, crabbier, and greener. Scientists are still unsure as to why goblins evolved more and more disadvantageous traits, but some believe that the inherent grudge their ancestors had to their tall, dark, and handsome Scandinavian brethren had polluted their genes with nasty feelings whose immense negativity corrupted their gene pool.

These diminutive, mischievous and crabby creatures usually avoid contact with humans. Goblins make their homes around tree roots and mossy damp areas, and like to hunt in packs. Although they can be aggressive when threatened, goblins usually prefer to keep far from men and their dwellings. In fact, Goblins may sometimes tame Minotaurs to guard their troves of treasure. Goblins are a species on the verge of extinction, and before too long will pass into history and then myth.

Etymology

The species' modern name is derived from Old Northern French gobelin (compare Normand goubelin, Walloon gobelin), possible blend of Old Low Franconian *kobeholdo 'goblin' (compare Dutch kabouter, Großtodeswalder Kobold) and Late Latin cobalus 'mountain sprite', from Greek kobalos 'rogue, knave; goblin'.

Many myths surround the goblin's naming and so, its name is ascribed to a number of people: Peklo, Cox, and even the god, Slam Freud. The most popular one, ascribing goblin to Peklo, tells of a brazen viking named Peklo who, angry that a tonttu had ruined his crops, summoned a trio of greasy, green, ghouls. Peklo's ghouls were able to surround the tonttu when it was sleeping and with knives, they carved the tonttu's throat out. At the Chat Tavern, Peklo said that the tonttu's last grunt resembled "goblein". Despite lack of evidence supporting Peklo's summoning abilities, it is still a common story used to scare misbehaving children, fearing Peklo will crawl from under their bed then strike at their throats with his goblins. Because of its ancestry to Old Northern French, many linguists have otherwise theorized that it was Devin Meroslouch, who was of French origin, who dubbed the species goblin.

Habitat and Range

Early goblins lived in the highest mountains of Scandinavia where they suffered terribly for 25,000 years because of their short figures. It is said that the Scandinavian frost was so cold that their DNA was permanently damaged. Because of the damage the high altitude had on their bodies ill-suited for climbing, many groups of goblins would descend the mountain and begin living in lower altitude forests. Countries where early goblin remains are known include Finland, Sweden, and Norway. It is estimated that the early goblin population only peaked at 500 because of the harsh and grim weather. In the case of convergent evolution, the remaining goblins who stayed in the mountaintops became somewhat taller, stronger, and more pallid snow-goblins while the rest became the more popularly known green and stocky common goblin.

The common goblin residing in the forests were eventually forced out by faeries, trolls, and other forest wildlife. The intense hatred towards goblins from both the ilk of the forest and the Scandinavians thousands of years prior is said to have weakened their genetic structure even further.

Modern goblins tend to settle in mossy and damp areas, but it is not uncommon for goblins to reside elsewhere. Even in the frostbitten hell-lands of Finland, there are a significant amount of goblin communities. Over years of evolution, goblins have acquired distinctive green and leathery skin that protects them from more sunlight than the average human, but their skin hide is also tougher so to stand giant spider attacks who consider goblins their natural prey.

Interaction with Humans

Most goblins stay away from humans and for good reason. Goblins are often the source of hatred and hunts. Often used as scape-goats despite their menial intelligence, goblins are so often hunted that goblin-hunting has become an Olympic sport. Goblins are easy prey for the human warrior because they possess less intelligence, physique, and deep-seated melancholy. Most goblins and humans share a common abhorrence from each other and it is even said that this may be related to genetics. The goblin-hating gene was discovered in 2010. The gene is so prevalent that it is found in 99% of the world's modern human population. In contrast, 100% of goblins seem to possess a human-hating gene.

The goblin is especially hated in Finland. So strong is the average Finn's hatred for the goblin that "May the goblin take it," is an all too common swear, used approximately five times a day by the average Finn. Genealogists have linked the strong Scandinavian genetic structure and the goblin-hating gene together, stating that the goblin-hating gene is 500% stronger and in return, the Finns are even more taller and stronger than the average Scandinavian. Peklo, the most famous of the Finns, almost known as the National Animal of Finland, is held in mythical status and his obsession with goblins is common knowledge in the world.

Despite efforts to start friendships with goblins, most altruistic humans end up hating their intended goblin friends. Many have even considered hypnosis to get themselves over instinct and to love the goblin.

There are cases of the common goblin living near humans. Sharing the same isolation and melancholy, human witches and goblins would often co-exist, forming symbiotic communities. The single female witch would act as a sort of god-like mother figure to the goblins, teaching them human technology and knowledge along with some magic while the goblins acted as hordes who protected the witch. In many cases, goblins would also protect sorcerer or witch tribes, whom they protected and served as an equally allied tribe rather than servants or slaves. Nowadays, what the goblins did could be considered slave-work, considering what little they digested from their human teachings.

Famous Goblins

Coincidentally, most famous goblins were originally human.

Gabriel Goblin, a former knight of the Brotherhood of Adults. Gabriel had a long and lengthy bout with melancholy that eventually goblinized him. In this rare instance, he befriended the human Thernz and became wildly popular for being the subject of Thernz's magnum opus, Goblins in the Wind.
Volkii, a farmer driven insane by Giz. His obsession with the darkness caused him to deliberately turn himself into a goblin.
Niege, a snow-goblin who was rumored to be the reincarnation of Giz.