Iron Gigahell Jail

A place where only the most powerful criminals are locked up for life. Once a person is confined to a cell in here, they should give up all hopes of escape, no matter the size of their muscles. Iron Gigahell Jail covers 8,800,000 square feet, and is surrounded by a wide moat of quicksand. The only way out or in is over a single drawbridge that is closely watched by five-hundred guards even when it is raised. Sentry towers are positioned all around the outer edge of the moat. Iron Gigahell Jail is practically a nation unto itself, and is the source of much sociological interest within Finland. It was built using adamantium, steel, concrete, blood, guts, and dragon bone.


Iron Gigahell Jail sports dozens of special sectors to wear prisoners' Baditudes down and make them compliant. For instance, one 1,000-feet-long hallway is pocketed by holes on all sides for rubber spikes to ram in and out of in complex but learnable patterns. A prisoner must make it through this hallway for a bowl of pig testicles porridge (their only meal of the day). Another zone holds a huge, soundproof room full of Wheel Skeletons performing bongo renditions of Xylophone Jazz nonstop. If the prisoner tries to attack the Wheel Skeletons to make them shut up, they will be rolled over a rude amount of times and mocked for their poor taste in music. They must endure said test for a week.

The jail's sectors include, but are not limited to:

- Mean Tower that Spites God's Eye
- Poke Poke Dungeon of Infinite
- Chamber of Bonner
- Big Satan Coliseum
- Labyrinth of a G Flame
- Unhappy Skeleton Asylum
- Meat Tunnel
- and Jorge J. Dinglebrummer Education Facility for the B.A.D.

Every one of Gigahell Jail's guards is at least eight-feet-tall and can crush quarters with their thumb and index finger. Most graduated from Lord King God University, and were drawn to the jail for its high employee wages, unbeatable non-prisoner food, and atmosphere that gives American Gladiators a run for its money.

Famous Prisoners

Buckley "Travesty" Davis: a serial murderer who declared himself a nation and used fabricated land claims to kill everyone in Hamshack Town for aggressive behavior on his territory. The townspeople were holding their annual barbecue.

Crunchsmack Joeguya III: the only Slam Pope to be (successfully) arrested. He was charged with twenty counts of blasphemy after he drank from the wrong cup during the Holy Communion, gulping up the metaphorical juices of Deathbooner instead of Pumpatron's.

Lardmund Kingley: arrested for reasons unknown. Despite numerous efforts from organizations around the world to free him, Kingley remains in prison because there is no evidence for (or against) his innocence. The actual crime is unknown, long lost to bad record-keeping.

Steelbutt Novafrump: a crime lord with a gigantic and steel-like rump who (allegedly) expelled hurricane-level thunder from down under. Real name unknown. Before his arrest, he commanded legions of steel-butted thugs, each with a buttocks firmer and more beautiful than the last. Arrested for an attempt at monopolizing butt magazines the world over.