Perkele
Ukko.jpg

Perkele, also known as Ukko, is known as the Slam God of Strength in Finland though he has a non-canonical status in other Slam God sects. Perkele's presence has been known to Finland longer than any other Slam God. Despite their love for melancholy, the cold and distilled grim, most Finnish would die in the harsh climate that plagued Finland before Perkele's arrival. Perkele loved to ride thunderbolts across the barren tundras and harsh ridges of Finland, much to the dismay of Ilmatar. It is said that Perkele also made love to Akka, his wife, any other time he wasn't riding thunderbolts, sweeping the landscape in rolling thunder.

While Ilmatar continuously hassled Perkele to stop, the sheer magnitude of rad along with unintentionally terraforming allowed Finland to become a hospitable habitat for a small group of humanoids, rumored to be the progeny of both natural homo sapiens and Nordic aliens. Ilmatar was simply amazed while Perkele let out a toothy grin. The electricity was also able to cause a number of chemical reactions, creating a variety of tough flora and fauna, including dragons, ogres, and smoke-mongers. Some biologists theorize that it was this spontaneous creation of demonic life that ended the reign of the dinosaurs. While ogres were largely responsible for slamming in the heads of dinosaurs, the spurt of dragons and smoke-mongers created an atmosphere alluding to a meteor strike.

Perkele wields a hammer from which he swings thunderbolts, before diving in to ride the bolts themselves. He believes it gives him an incredible adrenaline rush, similar to that of Sonic going Super. He was also fond of riding his chariot, with three hedgehogs reined to it. Perkele's original weapon was probably that of the axe, the Humbuggard, akin to the battle-axe culture that dominated Eurump around 2900–2450/2350 cal. BCE.

First Contact

When the first human settlement was made in Finland, an excited Perkele personally visited the village. He challenged every adult to an arm-wrestling contest. While he easily won, the villagers were astounded by his amazing strength and startling good looks. It is said that Perkele maintained a beautiful but static mane of hair by use of lightning bolt combs. The village elder, Poklo, however, was secretly and extremely jealous. While he allowed the construction of a bicep statue in Perkele's honor, Poklo was spotted secretly doing arm wrestling matches with it at the dead of midnight.

Twenty years later, Perkele visited the village to challenge them to arm wrestling contests again. Poklo defeated Perkele in one fell swoop. The Slam God, though Slam Gods are rarely known for their sportsmanship, was incredibly angered and vowed revenge. Every week, Perkele would ride a thunderbolt into the village's livestock, killing dozens if not all of them. The village became dependent on others, such as those that would be situated in modern Sweden. This only toughened the Finnish as well as their livestock. In the coming years, Perkele was symbolized as a test. He was the Darwinian judge that turned those first Finnish into men (and women) of caliber.

Because of Perkele's harsh parenting but suave moves and surfing, crying out his name was all too common when people needed strength. To a Finn, the word entails seriousness and potency that more lightly used curses lack. Also, when the Research Institute for the Languages of Finland held a popular contest to nominate the "most energizing" word in the Finnish language, one of the suggestions was Perkele because "it is the curse word that gave the most strength for the reconstruction of Finland after the wars."

Perkele the Absent God

As the centuries passed, Perkele grew increasingly loving of his Finnish "children." When he told the Neo Slam Gods of his sugoi parenting, the others frowned and said he was interfering too much with the evolution of humans. Akka, Perkele's wife, was also considerably jealous. This bonding with humans became drenched in even more telling light when a tremendous baby, surging with Grim, was born. Akka demanded the Slam Gods to investigate. Feeling chivalrous, Ramrod and Jamboree both accepted and flew down to g-urth. Because Slam is such an unstable, often multi-dimensional power, it can sometimes dispel a negative energy, especially when a Slam God shows signs of weakness. The baby was tainted with Dark Mals. When the other Neo Slam Gods rushed into the village and swept the baby away, they realized it was no ordinary baby. It was the child of Perkele and a Finnish woman, Pekka.

The Neo Slam Gods and Akka were incredibly disgusted. When Ramrod poised the baby over Jam Cliff, the baby's eyes looked into his. They were like amorphous masses of sweet gelatin. The baby had more than the influence of Dark Mals. It had love. Ramrod was startled and overcame with emotion. His rod exploded and the resulting shrapnel, housing incredible fighting prowess, accidentally injected into the baby. The overwrought Ramrod let go and the baby fell back to the g-urth. When Ramrod explained the situation, all the Slam Gods hurdled up and decided it was all Perkele's fault.

Unsure of what was to come, the Neo Slam Gods could only wait, but the baby never made an appearance again. After this incident, Perkele agreed to go back to the Slam Heavens and improve his marriage with Akka. It is said that he was stripped of his Slam powers and kicked out of the canon in the Book of Slam, unbeknownst to the Finnish people. Despite that, he still held a high rank in the Hierarchy of Slam, and was demoted into Sky God, rather than a Rad God, replacing Ilmarinen.

Satan, Your Face is Perkele

As Christianity spread across Eurump, the Slam God religion was waning. Even in Finland, the aboriginal worship of Perkele was corrupted. The terrifying bicep of Perkele was seen as a vicious weapon, contradictory to the love of Jesus Christ. In response, missionaries testified that the Finnish people were worshiping Satan. Their reasoning was that only a sinister being could viciously kill their livestock then parade as God.

Years passed and Perkele soon became common profanity in Finnish.

Reemergence of Perkele

As Finnish culture progressively turned back to its grim and frostbitten ways, many reformists rediscovered Perkele's original identity. They vouched to abandon Christianity and to re-accept Perkele. This movement drew a long string of controversy as the Finnish monasteries were well-known for their stunning yet idiosyncratic illuminations, often giving Jesus and the apostles an incredible and realistic musculature usually unseen. However, one reformist stumbled upon the remains of the bicep statue. Realizing it was modeled after Perkele's bicep, he lovingly arm wrestled it, only for his arm to snap off. Suddenly the physical and all too real power of Perkele was only then realized.

The subject of Perkele was suddenly under the scrutiny of numerous academic studies and archaeological excavations. In the many years that followed, Finnish science went from breakthrough to breakthrough as the remnants of Perkele's existence provided clues to the Slam Gods' energy source, all for the Finnish to use. It was only until the catastrophic Deep Fog that research stopped.

With years of research and most scientists decimated in the grim sleet, the Finnish were only able to accumlate their knowledge of Slam power into the Grim markka. Some conspiracy theorists say that the Immortals were the personal agents of the Neo Slam Gods, sent to stop the progress of Finland. Some samples of the Deep Fog allude to this, holding a tinge of power similar to Perkele's fossilized dumps.

While most of the research is gone, some of it has been collected into the Kalevala.

Use in Popular Culture

Many Finnish heavy metal bands like Impaled Nazarene and Norther use the word perkele for emphasis and to reference Finnishness. The Swedish Oi! band Perkele is also named after the Finnish swear word.

The Religion of Slam
Slam Gods
Original Slam Gods
Neo Slam Gods
Dark Slam Gods
Apocryphal Slam Gods

Other Slam Gods


Pumpatron Jamboree Ramrod Thrusticle Jackbiggu Crashcombo
Shadowslam Wrigguhlromm Negabomb Damndeeder Ultraminus Badend
FUBU Perkele Slam Fraud Slam Freud Whall Max Fantastick
Neon Slam Gods 灶GOLD王—GOD食 Godlin
Cramtacular Giga Jammer Grand Slam
Related Deities Dark Mals DEATHBOONER Son of Slam The Drummer
Slam Arts Giga G-Hrony Cram Flexbeam A Blaze in the Northern Sky
Muscle Force
Slamming Devices Slam Bomb
Historical Slams Slam vs. Ram Conflict
Texts and Media Book of Slams The Cyclopedia of Devil "Mystic Slam" SLAM SHACK
"Slam Ram" Slamon and Crashfunkel Dante May Dump: The Hit Tv Series
Basil Gorgeous's Compendium of Ramming Organs in the Divine Slamdom
Scholars Diplo Basil Gorgeous Jacopo Pumppano