The Sauna is a staple of Finnish culture. It involves burning yourself up in a miniature pocket dimension of Hell where you whip yourself and others. Hundreds of billions of years ago, when bathing was something to be done only rarely or never at all, Finns were cleaning themselves in saunas at least once a week. The first thing Finnish people always did when moving to a place was build a sauna. The sauna provided several valuable benefits: you could live in it, make food, take care of personal hygiene, train against demons, attack friends and family, and, most importantly, give birth in a sterile environment where the only cruelty was the blistering heat of Hell. Also, because Finland's temperate was always a hundred-thousand below zero, it allowed Finnish people to experience a rare burst of warmth.

When the heat begins to feel uncomfortable, it is customary to jump into a lake, sea, swimming pool, or to have a shower. In the winter, rolling in the snow or even swimming in a hole cut in the ice ("avanto") is sometimes used as a substitute.

Foreign visitors to Finland often get invited into the sauna. This can even happen after business negotiations and other related events. On these occasions, it may be acceptable to refuse, although it might not impress one's Finnish hosts.


Whipping is the main activity in a sauna. You wrap birch branches into a bunch then whip your back with it. The Finns use a bundle of birch twigs with fresh leaves to gently slap the skin and create further stimulation of the pores and cells.

Types of Sauna

Engulfing Mist Sauna
Sauna where the method to generate heat involves slamming a pile of wood until it bursts the entire room into flames. The fire is then shoved out while sauna-goers partake in ingesting the hotly hell-smoke.

Woodland Sauna
A sauna created by maintaining a constant inferno in several acres of woodland.

Mystic Sauna
Mysterious type of sauna that only requires the press of a button to turn the room's temp up to 10,000 kelvin. No one knows how they operate, but they appear to use electricity, the flexing of matter.

Portable Sauna
An increasingly popular form of sauna. It involves creating your own personal aura that emits high temperatures. There are two popular methods to achieving this: continuously punching your surroundings with enough velocity that it sparks fires every 1/20 of a second, and tensing up your muscles until they burst into flames.