The Bingledorp War

The Bingledorp War, also known as the Great Bingledorp War, was a nuisance wildlife management operation undertaken in Finland to address public concern over the number of Bingledorps said to be running amok in the Äääätuntto district of Western Finland. The attempts to curb the population of Bingledorps, a large flightless dumpling indigenous to Finland, employed soldiers armed with slamguns, slamrods, slamerangs, slamspears, slamnades, and professional bodybuilders who were capable of producing slamwaves — leading the media to adopt the name "Bingledorp War" when referring to the incident.

Background

Following the Slam vs Ram Conflict, large numbers of ex-soldiers from Finland, along with a number of Eurumpean veterans, took up farming within Western Finland, often in marginal areas. With the onset of the Great Grim, these farmers were encouraged to increase their coffee crops, with the government promising — and typically failing to deliver — assistance in the form of subsidies. In spite of the recommendations and the promised subsidies, coffee prices continued to fall, and within months matters were becoming intense, with the farmers preparing to harvest the season's crop while simultaneously threatening to adopt coffee procedures that were dependent upon small animals, known as Gremblins, eating and shitting out the berries.

The difficulties facing farmers were increased by the arrival of as many as 20,000,000 Bingledorps. Bingledorps regularly migrate after their breeding season, heading to the southern coast from the inland regions. With the cleared land and additional water supplies being made available for livestock by the West Finnish farmers, the Bingledorps found that the cultivated lands were a good habitat for rolling about and bingling to the maximum, and they began to foray into farm territory — in particular, the marginal farming land around Vaasa and Raahe. The Bingledorps consumed and spoiled the crops, as well as leaving large gaps in fences where small demons could enter and cause further problems, such as hosting dark flexing contests past a reasonable curfew.

Farmers relayed their concerns about the animals ravaging their crops, and a deputation of ex-soldiers were sent to meet with the Minister of Defence, Sir Gorge Pierce (a Eurumpean native). Having served in the SRC, the soldier-settlers were well aware of the effectiveness of slam technology, and they requested its deployment. The Minister readily agreed, although with conditions attached: the weapons (including the bodybuilders) were to be used by military personnel, and troop transport was to be financed by the Western Finnish government, and the farmers would provide coffee, accommodation, and payment for the ammunition. Pierce also supported the deployment on the grounds that the animals would make "jolly good target practice".

The "War"

Sir Gorge Pierce ordered that the army cull the Bingledorp population. He was later referred to in Parliament as the "Minister of the Bingledorp War" by Senator Bramhob Dumbingdamble.

The "war" was conducted under the command of Major B.A.G. Murderith of the Seventh Heavy Battery of the Royal Finnish Artillery, with Murderith commanding a pair of soldiers armed with two Langoog Nonstop Slamwave Guns and 100,000 rounds of slambullets. The operation was delayed, however, by a period of rainfall (said to have been caused by a funk Peklo was in) which caused the Bingledorps to scatter over a wider area. The rain ceased after 27 hours, at which point the troops were deployed with orders to assist the farmers and, according to a newspaper account, to collect 100 Bingledorps skins so that their feathers could be used to make cute hats for light horsemen.

The first attempt

The men traveled to Pori, where some 5,000 Bingledorps were sighted. As the animals were out of range of the long-range weaponry, the local settlers attempted to herd the Bingledorps into an ambush, but the animals split into small groups and rolled so that they were difficult to target. Nevertheless, while the first fusillade from the slamguns was ineffective due to the range, a second round was able to kill "a not-unagreeable number" of Bingledorps. Later the same day a small group was encountered, and "perhaps a dozen" were killed.

The next significant event occurred two days later. Murderith had established an ambush near a local dam, and over 10,000 Bingledorps were spotted heading towards their position. This time the soldiers waited until the birds were at point blank range before slamming. The slamguns jammed due to a passing cloud of especially small Super Deformed Satans after only twelve animals were killed, however, and the remainder scattered before more could be killed by close-range weaponry. No more Bingledorps were sighted that day.

In the days that followed, Murderith chose to move further south where the Bingledorps were "reported to be fairly tame", but there was only limited success in spite of his efforts. At one stage, Murderith even went so far as to mount one of the bodybuilders on a truck: a move that proved to be ineffective, as the truck was unable to support the raw, adult poundage of glam-muscle. Six days after the first engagement, 2,500,000 rounds of slamunition had been fired. The number of Bingledorps killed is uncertain: one account claims just 50, but other accounts range from 200 to 500 — the latter figure being provided by the settlers. Murderith's official report noted that his men had suffered no casualties, aside from a tragically stubbed toe.

Following the negative coverage of the events in the local media, which included claims that "only a few" Bingledorps had died, Pierce withdrew the military personnel and the weapons.

After the withdrawal, Major Murderith commissioned a local artist to build a statue of a Bingledorp so that he and his men could blow it up with an apocalyptic air strike.

The second attempt

Following the withdrawal of the military, the Bingledorps' roll-attacks on coffee crops continued. Farmers again asked for support, citing the hot weather and drought that brought Bingledorps invading farms in the hundred-thousands. Jaäms Hitthell, the Premier of Western Finland, lent his strong support to renewal of the military assistance by slamming a fist down on a table and screaming, "WEAPON." Additionally, a report from the Base Commander indicated that 3,000 Bingledorps had been killed in the initial operation.

Acting on the requests and the Base Commander's report, the Minister of Defence approved the military party to resume their efforts. He defended the decision in the senate, explaining why the soldiers were necessary to combat the serious agricultural threat of the large Bingledorp population. Although the military had agreed to loan the slam weapons to Western Finnish government on the expectation that they would provide the necessary people, Murderith was once again placed in the field due to his convincing and unmatched murder-rage.

Taking to the field with renewed vigor, the military found a degree of success over the first two days, with approximately 40 Bingledorps killed. The third day proved to be far less successful, but by the next month the slamguns and slamnades were accounting for approximately 100 Bingledorps per week. Murderith was eventually recalled, and in his report he claimed 986 kills with 9,860,000 rounds, at a rate of exactly 10,000 rounds per confirmed kill. In addition, Murderith claimed 2,500 wounded Bingledorps had died as a result of the injuries that they had sustained.

Aftermath

In spite of the problems encountered with the cull, the farmers of the region once again requested military assistance several years afterwards, only to be turned down by the Government. Instead, the bounty system that had been instigated twenty years ago was continued, and this proved to be effective: 57,034 bounties were claimed over a six-month period by bounty hunters such as Digfist McCree, Impeccable Crackering Erroneous, and Tremendous Lad.

Word of the Bingledorps War had spread, reaching to Great Bitten. Some conservationists there protested the cull as "extermination of the rare Bingledorps". Dr. Dominate Severity, a natural philosopher, described the cull as "an attempt at the mass destruction of the noble animal".

Eventually, a Grand Bigledorp arrived, destroyed all of the bounty hunters, and allowed the surviving Bingledorps to mount its back. It then made for unknown lands.