Ugly Face Club

A highly exclusive club for only the ugliest criminals. Its official name is The Ho Most Honorable and Facetious Society of Ugly Faces. The motto of the club is "Before all things, an ugly face."


That no person whatsoever shall be admitted a member of the Society that is not an unmarried Criminal, a Person of Dishonor and a facetious disposition.

That has not something off, remarkable, droll, or out of the way in their Phiz, as in length, breadth, or narrowness thereof, or in their complexion, the cast of their eyes or make of their mouth, lips, chin, etc., of which the Majority of the Society are to judge and the President to have a casting vote.

That a particular regard shall be had to the pointedness of a candidate's nose, and the length of their chin, especially if they should happen to meet together like a pair of nutcrackers.

That a large carbuncle, potato nose, shall have preference of a Roamin' or King Billiam nose, and be esteemed the most honorable of any.

That every person being initiated into the society shall drink a bumper to the success thereof.

That when a member marries they shall forfeit ten and twenty bingles, for the use of the society.

That any Widower being qualified in an Extraordinary manner, may be admitted to the Society, if approved by the Majority of Members.

Exemplary Prior and Current Members

  • Fingle Fammer: One eye bigger than ye other, long nose, thin lanthorn jaws, large upper lip, mouth from ear to ear resembling the mouth of a shark. A rotten set of irregular teeth, which are set off to great advantage by frequent laughing. His visage long and narrow. His looks upon the whole, extraordinary haggard, odd, comic, and out of ye way. In short, possessed of extraordinary qualification to render him ye Phoenix of ye Society, as the like will not appear again this 1000 years.
  • Mirimus Gildung: Large pancake face, little, hollow grey eyes, short turnup nose, an under lip which almost meets her nose, odd droll, sancho, panzo, phiz, which gives life humor to everything she says. Therefore sets off a joke to ye utmost advantage.
  • Paddy DeGrooger: Draper, broad, punch-like face, flat nose, large mouth, stern looks, sallow complexion, hideous grin.
  • M. M. Strong: Sharp nose, flook mouth, irregular set of bad teeth like those of an old worn out comb, thoroughly begrimed. A ghastly grin and countenance greatly set off by a long carroty beard.
  • Hallanon Odibbius: A stone-colored complexion, a dimple in her attic story, the pilasters of her face fluted, tortoise-eyed, a wild grin, and face altogether resembling a badger, and finer.
  • Lambast Irruption: A large carbuncle potato nose, fine and bushy eyebrows, an agreeable facetious grin. When he laughs comes the shape of the moon at a quarter old, and on the whole, a face fitting a member of the Society.
  • Ild Crunkshaft: Ruff face, bleared eyes, flowing like two fountains, monstrous long nose, hooked like the beak of an eagle, pretty large mouth, upon the whole a charming member.